Ignatius J. Reilly

 

Mothers and Brothers

 I was just thinking, last night, about Mom.  She's gone and that's fine.  But, my brothers believe she was a Saint.  One brother said it, as much.  But, for me, she was cruel, emotionally abusive, scary and a dream crusher.  

I don't need to dredge up all the details.  They'll come in time.  But this memory came up after watching a story about child trafficking being done by Iranians  What a flash back.  Twice, in my life, I was almost trafficked.  I saved myself.  First, I was 13 and at the public pool.  I was approached by two guys who said they were Persian.  AKA Iranian.  They were probably in their 30s. They tried to kiss me and hold me tight.  Fortunately, I was wet from the pool, so got out of their grip and ran for my life.  I left the pool and hid in a near by stand of bushes.  It was a thick hedge.  I just stayed there until Mom was supposed to pick me up. 

She finally showed up.  I told her what happened. I was shaking and all she could say was 'Oh be nice.'  That's it.  Hand to God that's what she  said to her daughter. I know she didn't want me, but hell why would someone not give a damn about a child being abducted for trafficking?  But, that's who she was.  She didn't want me, but she didn't allow another family to adopt me and love me.  

It just gets better.  Similar thing happened when I was 15. This was at the beach. Again, I saved myself.  This time I tried to tell her what happened.  Guess what she said?  Yeah, 'Be Nice.'  

She was  a real piece of work.  Fast forward a bit and she found it in herself to have her first grandchild murdered.

But, my brothers think she's a Saint.  Families can really, really suck.

Favorite Time

My favorite time if day is when it's over. When I close up the house and day is done.  I celebrate the end of another day.

What? Pool Party or Commitment to God?

 I saw this in a church's weekly email.  I was taken aback.  Maybe it's me.  But, a baptism is a serious ceremony to commit a life to God.  This sounds like a pool party, to me.  I guess that's what you do when you want more money and are trying very hard to become a mega-church.  You know the kind. The ones that turn in to a cult and accept all things and all behavior.  Why?  Money.  But, I digress.

Here's the snip from the email.  I just think this is not honoring our God and our serious life commitment to him.

". . .A few members have shown interest in a Baptism or reaffirming their faith with a re-Baptism.  The tentative date is set for June 29.  This will take place at the XXXX's backyard pool, followed by a low-key cookout. Watch for more details to come."

Reality

 I try to ignore the obvious, when it comes to me.  But, sometimes you just can't.  Especially when you are alone and have no support.

Have you ever wondered what would happen if you were suddenly forced in to a wheelchair.  You have no family that will take you on, or really assist.  You have no community that will offer any substantial help.  You can't afford to pay for assistance.  You have no transportation.  What would you do?  How would you manage? That's what I am facing.

I ignore the signs.  I pray God will take them away or take me away.  I know it's coming and I'm scared to death.  I think I will end up just languishing until I die.  

Elderly folks are not valued and, pretty much, considered yesterday's trash.  There is a segment of younger folks that cheer when old people die.  It's sick and they will reap what they sow.

To be old, alone and virtually ignored is a horrible reality.  It's mine. I write to say it out loud.  I don't expect change.  If I did, I would be disappointed.  So, I expect nothing and pray to God to keep me going or take me home.

Frightening

The scariest thing, for me, is to think that I could be on this planet for another 20 years. May God intervene. I cannot imagine being around in this body, in this world, for that much longer. It's horrifying to me. 

I'm alone now. Imagine when I'm 90 and really need help. God,  please don't let this happen 🙏 😢 

Day In and Day Out

 It's sad to admit, but each day I get up and do well for about 6 hours.  After that, I just want the day to end.  I start counting the hours until I can officially call it a day.  After chores and coffee, there's nothing else to consider, so the day is over.

Just an observation and a truthful assessment of the end times of my life.

What's The Point

Every day I clean and tend things and make sure outside is picked up.  Everything looks as in order as I can get it.  I wash clothes.  I make the bed.  I do the dishes.  Then I make coffee.

The day goes on and the only thing that was worth anything was the cup of coffee.  The TV drones on, in the background.  Why? Just to hear another human voice.  The TV talks me to sleep each night.

Why do I keep up with things.  It's not like I'm expecting a drop-in visitor, or even a phone call.  At this point, a regular email from some folks would be nice.  But, I digress. 

I remember trying to get a few friends, who agreed, to mail traditional letters and cards to each other.  Well, that lasted  about a month.  I don't even hear from these folks any more.  So, I just packed it in.

I often wonder why I try and why I keep on.  This morning, my answer is 'I don't know.'  I wonder if I should keep on.  My answer is another 'I don't know.'  I'm just tired.  I put on a 'face' and show kindness if I can.  Since I have nothing to offer but kindness, folks move on.  

I say all of this, just to ask -- What's the point?  It takes a lot for me to care because my heart is almost 100% scar tissue.  Not physically. Just the result of a life time of having my heart cut to shreds.  I still try.  Only to ask  'What's the point?'

So, seriously, what is the point? I am in my 70th year and I am no longer of any value to anyone or society.  Should I go?  I don't want to linger around this sick and twisted world, much longer.  :D  God willing!

This Might Be The Year

Slip sliding away. Counting down and fading out! A good thing.

God vs Church

 It's Sunday and I find myself having a hard time walking away from Church.  But, I'm tired of being considered 'lesser than' or not part of the 'in crowd.'  So, I must walk away.

I can do this, it's hard.  But, I can. Why?  Because as I walk away from Church, I am walking with God.  Leaving Church to walk with God.  I think that's the best way and the only way to really be 'one' with God.

Message for The Church

 

Holidays and Navel Gazers

 Holidays are so hard on me.  Being alone is one thing, but holidays rub your face in it. Folks don't have time for anyone but their immediate concerns and themselves.  Mostly themselves.  I find folks are incredibly selfish in this day and age.

The start of this long weekend is sad for me.  I just get up, pee, eat and clean up.  I tend inside and out and often wonder why.  I guess I do it because that's what I'm supposed to do.  After that, then what?  More alone time. No mail, no meals on wheels delivery, no book club.  Just marking time until folks come back to their normal routine.

I never expect average folks to  be concerned with folks who are so alone.  But, church folks that believe in the Christian way of life, I expect more.  They promise more.  But, that's it.  Empty promises.

I've lost my umpteenth attempt at finding a church family.  This recent one really had promise.  Then I heard the sermon about being alone and how we cannot be alone and we have to get out and those folks who are just 'navel gazers' are wrong.  It went on and I was never so insulted.  Folks who are alone, generally didn't plan it that way.  Let's just say, too many Christians are phony baloney for me.  I love God and he and I will just have to go it alone, together.  :D

So, if you know someone who is alone, don't assume they are OK and could get out if they really wanted to.  But folks, like this church, don't think beyond their noses and their own concerns.  One day, they will have to live their faith.  Then we'll see just how far that faith goes.

SIGH

I'm worried. I'm getting overwhelmed. Given all that's going on, it feels like I'm cornered, with no escape. I am worried.

70

I've said for years that I would live to be 70. Well, this is my 70th year.  Do you believe in self fulfilling prophecies. Guess we'll find out.

Observations

 Watched a young newscaster talk about the dairy industry supporting the Indy 500 victory tradition of drinking a glass of milk.  She then said that would include oat milk and almond mild.  Uh NO.  The Dairy industry supports dairy products and oat milk and almond milk are NOT NOT NOT milk.

Next up.  Hochul referred to folks who didn't agree with her as clowns.  Seriously, has she looked in the mirror??????

Selfish Society

 Have you ever met someone you thought was a good person.  Extend a hand and they reach back.  But, suddenly they disappear or they just show who they really are.  I'm tired of reaching out.  Most times, it ends terribly.  In today's world it's all about me, me, me.  Selfish and self serving is where we are.  Honestly, I think folks want to be paid for their friendship.  Seems that way to me.  If all you can offer is friendship, that's not good enough.  Very, very sad.

 So, with that said, just don't reach out.  Keep your peace and savor it.  It's better that way.  A' holes are everywhere, and they will suck the life out of you if you let them.

Religion vs Faith

I wonder, in today's world, would Jesus be 'religious'. Religious in today's terms with church politics and embracing of some perverse things.

I think Jesus would turn over the tables just as he did with the tax collectors.  Man made rules and doctrines that are coming down from church leadership, are just that -- man made.  NOT made of God.  I will speak a lot about faith and religion.  There's a HUGE difference.

Here's a good sum of why I think Jesus would turn his back on today's religious institutions.

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Jesus' teachings in the New Testament often focused on principles of love, compassion, forgiveness, and faith rather than specific church rules or organizational structures. While Jesus emphasized the importance of living a righteous and ethical life, he also challenged traditional religious practices and legalistic interpretations of the law.

In the Gospels, Jesus criticized religious leaders of his time for prioritizing rules and rituals over the deeper matters of the heart and spirit. He emphasized the spirit of the law over the letter of the law, calling for a genuine relationship with God based on love and humility.

While Jesus did establish principles for living a life in accordance with God's will, such as the Golden Rule (treat others as you would like to be treated) and the commandment to love God and love your neighbor as yourself, he did not explicitly lay out a detailed set of church rules or organizational guidelines.

Instead, Jesus' teachings centered on the kingdom of God, the importance of faith, repentance, and forgiveness, and the transformative power of love. His message was one of spiritual renewal, reconciliation, and redemption rather than a strict adherence to rules and regulations.

Therefore, while Jesus' teachings provide a moral and ethical framework for believers, his focus was more on the heart and spirit of the individual rather than on establishing specific church rules or structures.